Day One

This is my 6th day of unemployment . . . this time, the second time in less than a year.  I seem to be less traumatized, less angry, and less lost than I was in May.  This is a good thing.  I am more depressed, more conflicted, and more financially strapped than I was in May.  This is not such a good thing.  A strange thing happens when people tell you they don't want you and that you don't fit in . . . you start to question everything you know about yourself - your strengths, your weaknesses, your goals, your desires, your accomplishments.  When that questioning begins, you can feel that you will never find any answers and never figure out who you really are.  Every negative feeling that every person in my past or present has said to me, written to me, or even looked at me bubbles to the surface; it takes a lot of effort to ignore these people (one of whom is me).  
Today I have decided to remember who is in my balcony . . . and that I must be in my own balcony.  I cannot spend time listening to the people in my basement.  Well, to be honest, I just would like them to stop yelling at me, so I can at least hear those in my balcony.  I will keep telling them to be quiet and eventually they will be only whispers that I will not strain to hear because the people in my balcony will be overwhelming me with good thoughts and words and hugs.  Let me just mention a couple of people who mean the world to me - Jennifer, Jamie, Meghan, and Corrie - I love you guys!  
There is someone else in my basement right now who has lived there, entrenched and powerful, for a long time, for most of my life.  It is "Depression".  This character has been smothering the true Melinda, making her feel heavy and incapable of living and experiencing joy.  Depression kicks me when I am down and makes me believe that nothing can get better, that some people just aren't cut out for happiness and love and joy.  Today I start my upward struggle toward the brightness and light of the balcony.  Wish me strength!